We Did The Job. The Phillies Win The 2008 World Series.

As you all know by now the Phillies claimed the biggest prize there is in baseball. It was truly a fantastic ride this year. Me thinks I saw tears in my fathers eyes that faithful day, then he called himself a fag and said that the Eagles still suck. Things at Billy Penn are a changing. Billy has finally and incredibly, lost. After 25 long years he was finally defeated so the website moniker no longer holds true. I was thinking something like "Billy Penn Wins 99% of the Time" or "Billy Penn Wins Against Everything But AIDS, Because Even He Can't Defeat AIDS" or "Billy Just Got Tired" or "Billy Penn 10072 - Phillies 9124" I am preparing a look back at Billy Penn over the last few years before everything got turned on it s head a few weeks ago. Stay tuned.

World Series: Winners and Losers.

Well, it's official. The baseball season is finally over. The motherfuckin' Phillies actually won the World Series - Jesus that's hard to say. Anyway, who'd a thunk such a crazy thing would happen? I mean, the next thing you know we're going to have a black President. Oh wait...

I know the Agent hasn't posted on this blog in ages. I want to apologize to the four people that used to read my whiny, hypocritical rants. I promise you at least one more because I don't know where this blog is headed. After all, Billy Penn lost last night. So where does that leave this blog?

Before Philly wakes up hungover and hits the net for substance on last night's triumphant victory this morning, I wanted to sneak in a few of my thoughts on the Series...

WINNERS:

Cole Hamels - well played, sir. Mr. MVP, I can't express how badly I wish you were an Oriole. You made every hitter in October your bitch and you won the Series by dominating Game 1 in Tampa.

Shane Victorino - Key hits, good hustle. You're officially the new David Eckstein, which is really as back-handed of a compliment as you can get.

Ryan Howard/Chase Utley - Philly needed some HRs from you two if they were going to win and you delivered. By the way, take this off season to learn to go the other way with consistency and you both become that much more dangerous. I would be embarrassed if teams shifted that much when I stepped to the plate.

Pat Gillick - I told you to grab C.C. Sabathia at the deadline, you didn't and still won the World Series. I'll let you make me look dumb once. Once...

Scott Shields - Fuck you're good. Kazmir used to be the ace, you own him now. You're like the right-handed less white trashy looking version of Mr.MVP, but not quite as good. I'd still take you over him in a fight though.

Joe Blanton - Philly needed one other starter to step up and we all knew it wouldn't be the wife beater. Your fat-ass rose to the occassion and even hit a bomb, although it was off Sonnanstine's sorry ass so it barely counts.

Carl Crawford - It was nice to see you in the post-season. You've been a beast for some time now, just wasting away at the Trop. Unsurprisingly, you had a nice Series. You're still young. You'll be back again.

JC Romero - Hey, two wins in the World Series has to earn you a spot here.

David Price - Handled the big stage well considering you were drafted last year. You're gonna be a baller.

LOSERS:

Andy Sonnanstine - Seriously dude, hang more fucking sliders.

Evan Longoria - Not the best series, in the field or at the plate. I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. I would be more concerned with the fact that you should be making more money over the next few years. That contract you just signed? Yeah, that's gonna be a bit small for the numbers you will be putting up.

BJ Upton - I don't know who helped the Phillies more, you or Blake DeWitt. Both of you love grounding into double plays when your team needs you most. However, you did murder the Red Sawx so I still love you.

Joe Maddon - How the fuck did you win Manager of the Year? You make the worst bullpen choices evAr. Stop putting JP Howell in at key moments in the game!! You're lucky you don't manage in NY, LA or any other respectable city. They would have your fucking head.

Kim Meyers - I'm sorry sweetie. I'm sure when Brett got back to Philly after game two it was a long night. Not to mention, you probably wore a bottle of champagne across the face last night. We all know it was an accident.

Brad Lidge - Sorry man. I know you were perfect and all, but I can't stop thinking about Pujols almost placing you in a mental institute a few years back. Not to dwell on the past, but has that ball even landed yet?

The City of Philadelphia - You're all still losers, congrats you classless loyal bastards.

Peter Gammons Calls The 2008 Fall Classic "The Worst Ever"

First off I want to say I respect the hell out of Peter Gammons. His candor and verbal acuity is none matched and he makes poignant insights into the recent events of the 2008 Fall Classic in an article posted on espn.com today. Great work Peter. I think a Peabody Award is sure to follow!

Editors Note: Respect = Hate; Candor = Incoherent Ramblings; Verbal Acuity = Toilet; Poignant = Diarrhea; Peabody Award = Face Smash; Peter Gammons = Hitler.

Do You Know Billy Penn? No Not The Adult Film Star.

Apparentley Jesus and Billy Penn Bet On The Rays.

The Phils were 12 outs from ending the curse of Billy Penn on Monday night. Then old Billy decided that he still wanted to own this city. He brought forth gale winds and torrential rain, and the game was halted in the bottom of the sixth inning with the Phils coming to bat. Or Bud Selig misread a weather report terribly and decided that the weather would hold up just fine, which it did, until right about the bottom of the first. Put the Miller High Life Light back on ice for a few more hours friends. Billy Penn, we all got one thing to say to you. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Phils Win World Series? Wait It Was Just A Dream.. Or Was It?

Sorry about the lack of posts lately, but not really. I have been making man mustard ham sandwiches every two hours, every day, for the past week since the Phils won the NL Championship. It has been one happy rope fest ever since that last out. And much like I predicted in January, the Tampa Rays have made it World Series. I also predicted that Steve Irwin would perish at the hands of a Ray, hence setting forth a chain of events that would land the Tampa Rays in the 2008 World Series and change the history of man. I'll explain. Steve Irwin is on top of the world. He has a wildly successful TV show, and while filming for a TV spot he insulted a Ray calling it a "Bloody Devil Ray" thinking it could not hear, however, Rays cannot only hear, the can speak five languages. The Ray instantly killed him for his insolence by jabbing its poison bard into his heart. Next the Devil Rays of Tampa drop "Devil" from their name. The Rays sign Cliff Floyd and he vows to continue the assault on the rest of the world that started with Irwin. The Phillies report to spring training in Florida and invite Mrs. Irwin to throw out the first pitch of a game. Ryan Howard says at the time "I will not stop until justice is served for Steve Irwin!" Everyone thought it an odd comment at the time, until three days ago. The Phillies will slay the Rays in seven games and win the World Series. If not for the fans of Philadelphia, but for Steve Irwin.

Jamie Moyer Is God. If God Sucked In The Playoffs.

The Phils are about to lose to the Dodgers. Currently down 7-2 in the bottom of the seventh. Jamie Moyer threw up his second consecutive awful start for the Phils. Giving up 6 earned in 1.1 innings pitched. Phils record when Moyer pitches in 2008 playoffs, 0-2, anyone else, 5-0. I'm not the best at math but if you divide the four and multiply that by two and then add seven more Moyer still has been terrible. In his defense the 8:22 pm start time is about two hours after he usually falls a sleep, right after Wheel of Fortune.

DelVectorino Make People Happy.

Who Knew? Billy Penn Supports The Death Machine For President In 08.

In a shocking move the Death Machine is quickly climbing in the presidential polls. And get this, he doesn't even remember entering the race. But according to this video, he is actually doing very well. Notice when the former Maxim model talks about how one of her listeners told her about the Death Machine? Well really when she says listner, she means "scary night stalker," and when she says "called in," she really means "peeping on her apartments bathroom and calling her cell while she uses the toilet," and when she says "started as a joke" she really means "I can't go within 1000 feet of her or I go to jail," Women are intimidated by me because I know so much about Giraffes.

Billy Penn Picks An NLCS Winner.

The Phils and Dodgers square off tomorrow night at 8:22, October 9, 2008, the year of our Lord. Philadelphian's showed how much they loved their baseball team by overwhelmingly watching a crappy Eagles team lose to a medicore Redskins team on Sunday, rather than watching the Phils win their fifth postseason series in team history. Their 125 year history. On to the pick for all of the degenerage compulsive sports bettors that read this site daily (Anderson, Agent, Stevie, Stu, President Bush ect.)

This will be a tight series indeed, tight like a tiger. The Phils will need to play well, to moderatley well. I have the Phils winning in seven long games. Then we burn the city down! Why? Wild card bitches.

It's A Celebration Bitches. Burrell Shoots Eight Ropes After Pounding Brews.

The Phils have won their NLDS series against the Brewers, winning Sunday 6-2 behind four home runs, including two by Pat Burrell. They now prepeare for the NLCS against the LA Dodgers. This game was awesome! The best part was when Burrell's first home run was heading for the seats, that everyone in the stands became so quite and realized they live in Milwaukee.